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New goals for a New Year:

  • Jan. 18th, 2010 at 8:04 PM
no day but today
1.  Be the spark.   Actively try to be the one who makes conversations as fun or serious or deep as I want them.
2.  Be on top of things like bills, spreadsheets, email, calls.  Try to answer calls within 24-48 hours and emails within 24. 
3.  Try to get to bed by 11 every night.
4.  Read more.  Read the news more.
5.  Write real blog entries more.  Write more fiction. 
6.  Eat healthy and exercise more.  (How sad is it that this is number 6?)  Try to lose 5-7 pounds between each time I see the boyfriend.  Weigh self every Monday in the locker room.
7.  Start seeing setbacks also also second chances. 
8.  Become ok with going to _______.
9.  Start thinking about what RSS feeds I want to cut when I go to law school.
10.  More aggressively cross things off my location to do list.
11.  Floss more. 
12.  See a dermatologist if this doesn't clear up.
13.  Screw the skin issues, get a massage anyway. 
14.  Take a ceramics class!
15.  Screw losing weight (but try anyway), saving money, or the fact that law school isn't The Law: get some solid work pants.  Try to spend less than $70/pair. 

Jan. 25th, 2009

  • 1:18 AM
no day but today

I know that I'm always writing in this journal apologizing for not writing more often.  In fact, I think I've writen about that pattern before! 

Here's what's new: I maintained my weight through the holiday season, which was a major goal of mine.  I'm happy that I was able to do it.  My weight is still lingering around 180, which is still way too much for my 5'2" height.  I've been trying to do more of my Tae-Bo video (VHS!  sigh...) because I feel like it's something that I really enjoy, in addition to helping me be healthy. 

I need advice about three things:

First, I need to talk to my doctor about my weight.  I have talked to my doctor about it once before.  I have tried a few times with a few other doctors, but this is a brand new doctor and I don't know how to bring it up.  I'm not sure what exactly I should say, or how to bring it up.  If anyone has any experience with that that they would like to share, that would be awesome!  

Second, I wrote last time about how I was nervous about my body because my boyfriend was coming to visit me.  His visit went great, and since then, we have progressed a little in our physical relationship.  I was even in a tank top around him, which is unheard of for me!  However, I didn't work up the courage to actually talk to him about my weight issues, which is something that I really need to do.  I know that the fact that I'm fat is just out there for the world to see, but I really think that I should bring it up to him.  I don't know if I'll be able to take my shirt off before we talk about it.  That said, he is so nice to me.  Whenever he tells me that he thinks I'm pretty, I just want to cry because I never thought that anyone would say that to me. 

Finally, I have a question about my pants: my fat isn't evenly distributed - my thighs are HUGE and jiggly, and my tummy is pretty pudgy.  However, because my thighs are a size bigger in terms of pants, I have to buy a size 18 now to fit them (darn desk job!).  My waist is still a size 16, though, so my pants fall down a lot, to below my belly overhang.  It makes me feel even fatter when that happens.  Belts don't tend to work for me, so if anyone has any advice on that, I would really appreciate it. 


Since I don't have anywhere else to talk about this, I wanted to write about it here a little:

Even though I am fat and I don't think I am very attractive, my boyfriend still seems to want to do physical things with me.  Sometimes, when we are just laying in bed together, he will rub my tummy.  A few times, he has slid my shirt up a little and kissed my tummy!  Usually when that happens, my pants are near my belly button, so it's not that much, but it is still very nice.  On his last visit he did something that felt really good - he pushed my pajama pants down to around my hips, below my belly overhang, and stroked the area right under my belly overhang.  It felt sublime.  Once he even kissed me there.  I'm not sure what else we can do that is similar to that!  If anyone knows of other things that we can do, or things that I can do to him that are similar, suggestions are appreciated!  I don't want to move too fast or anything, but him stroking under my belly overhang just felt sooo good

Dec. 1st, 2008

  • 1:55 AM
no day but today
What I want to remember right now is that it's not worth it - ever - to try to change yourself to purchase someone else's respect.  If it's about survival, marketing, playing the game - that I can accept.  But really, would I want the respect of someone who didn't want to respect me like this?  

A more overwrought post on this topic, coming soon.

Aug. 14th, 2008

  • 7:39 PM
no day but today
I am  so not into you calling me and talking at me forever.  I'm bored.  I want to study.  wah. 

lingering question

  • May. 19th, 2008 at 1:26 PM
no day but today
1.  Do I have a temper problem, or are other people just insane? 
2.  Do I have a trust problem, or have I actually just been betrayed enough? 
3.  Is this much fear of change normal? 
4.  Am I actually fickle, or am I being boxed in? 
5.  Do I actually like my job?  Am I really happy?  Or do I feel these things because I want to so badly?   

Jan. 23rd, 2008

  • 1:38 PM
no day but today
places I want to run away to, in no particular order: 
1. Ithaca, NY
2. Zimbabwe
3. Palo Alto, CA
4. New York City, NY
5. India

Dec. 31st, 2007

  • 7:52 PM
no day but today
I'm tired of everyone around me's life sucking and I wonder why that is and if that means my life will soon start to suck and I wonder what there is to do about it if that is the case. 

But I just can't think of a single one of my college-friends who is happy right now.  Barring the ones I see a lot (and let's face it, who wouldn't be happy to see me a lot?  Joking aside, the continuity of having people around is nice.).  And the high school friends?  Hmm...unless they're in school or have some other built-in/ preexisting support network....also miserable. 

This needs to stop. 

It has been too good of a year to end like this.

Dec. 30th, 2007

  • 11:45 PM
no day but today
what I want to be writing right now:

a story about love and reinvention, set to "Lovers in a Dangerous Time" and "Love me like the world is ending."

Oct. 6th, 2007

  • 9:13 PM
no day but today
I'm caught in love with the feeling of water in my eyebrows and on my eyelashes; beautiful like the tears I can't cry and just as transitory.  My tangled eyelashes seem to straighten and as I close my eyes the water pools, coursing down my cheeks.  And for just that moment, alone in a steamy bathroom, I am beautiful.  

Jun. 18th, 2007

  • 9:26 PM
no day but today
Though telling myself that someone is reacting to my behavior in a certain way because of what they're going through and not because of what I did is occasionally helpful, situations such as these confirm something else I've always feared.  That I'm too weak; too fragile; too stupid and insecure and thin-skinned and untalented to make it in this world.  That I'll always need a coddling boss and lots of hand-holding and specific instructions and permissions and never ever the opportunity to take any risks. 

Also, I know that the reason I get upset is because I know it's all true.  I'm not good enough.  nice enough.  smart enough.  any of it.

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